It’s a new year. A time for new beginnings. A time to make wrongs right, and improve who we are. What are you going to do this year that will be an improvement over what you did last year?
Some people go from year to year thinking “I hope this year will be different” but yet they don’t do anything to make the year different. Your life will not change for the good if you don’t put some effort into it. One definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.” In other words, this year will be no different for you if you do the same thing you did last year.
Joel Osteen had a great message this week about continually learning to improve ourselves. In that message he said the average person is in their car 300 hours a year commuting from place to place. 300 hours! That is a lot of time trapped in one small location. What are you doing with that time? Are you talking on your cell phone? Listing to the “goober and gomer” show on the radio? Or worse, just sitting there complaining about traffic, which is the least productive thing you can do.
Why not set a goal for yourself this year that anytime you are in the car you will use that time to listen to an inspirational learning CD? Think how many CD’s you could listen too in 300 hours. I started this last year by listen to Joel’s “Become A Better You” CDs, it was so good that I must have listened to it seven times or more and each time I took something new from it. I even bought it for a couple of friends this year for Christmas. Anyway, my point is, I spent that time in my car listening to something that I could learn from, I used the time in my car to improve myself and grow both spiritually and emotionally.
So what if you have small children, it is hard to listen to something like that with kids in the car you say. Well, I don’t have kids, but can only imagine what it is like being in a car with them for a while. Why not play a game with the kids, have them look for things in nature that is unique, like a special cloud formation, are even seeing a deer or cow back in the woods off the road. Then say a prayer with them out loud in the car thanking God for the wonderful cloud formation or what ever the creation from God they may have seen. It will teach them to appreciate what God has created, and isn’t that better then them playing a video game?
Sometimes, if you are alone in the car, tired from the day, needing some peace and quite, take that time to converse with your Lord. Talk out loud to Him. Tell Him about your day, what upset you, thank Him for something that may have happened. Listen to Him, he will speak to you in ways you may not realize, even by giving you are extra stop light to insure you are not in that accident that just happened up the road a bit.
Time in the car alone is also a good time to pray for others. Intercede on their behalf. I pray daily for my covenant husband on my way to work and on the way home as well (I pray for him when I am not in the car too). Anytime I see a rescue vehicle flying by with lights and sirens on, I say a prayer for not only the drivers in the rescue vehicle but for the person they are on their way to rescue, as it usually means someone is hurting or not feeling well. I pray for individuals I see a car accident on the side of the road as their day and possibly their life and the lives of their families has changed sometimes dramatically in an instant.
This morning I had switched vehicles and my teaching CD was in the other car so I was listening to the local Christian music station, when I made a turn I was directly into the most beautiful sunrise I have seen in a long time. I took that moment to thank God for letting me see that, and showing me that He lives and will be guiding me though my day. Sadly, I admit that in the past I have not taken in the beauty of what our Lord presents us through His creations. But just seeing that sunrise was a reminder, a small learning experience that I must always stay focused on the “Son.”
How is praying a learning or growth experience? It puts others first rather than yourself, and we all need to learn that. It teaches us to be a little less selfish and self-centered and more selfless.
So for this 2009, what will you do to become a better you? What will you do to “make this year different than last year?”
Make a goal to change what you do while you are in your car. Take that travel time of 300 hours this year and make it more than just getting from point A to point B. Make it a self improvement journey!
May God Bless you this new year of 2009!
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Fireproof was released on Friday and I took the afternoon off to see the matinee. The movie is fantastic and a must see for everyone who is married, separated or divorced.
Ladies - Have you ever felt like your husband just doesn’t understand you. That they have no clue about all the hard work you do? Have you ever felt bitter or angry that you work all day and then are expected to clean the house, do the laundry, take care of the kids, go shopping, etc, and it still isn’t enough?
Gentlemen - Do you think that all your hard work is not appreciated and that you are not respected? After all, you work hard all day only to come home to a house that isn’t like YOU think it should be, right?
Has this anger, bitterness and resentment that you have been harboring over the years started to affect your communication and affection toward your spouse? Has it affected your desire to care about your spouse? Have you even started to doubt your love for your spouse? Are you starting to think you would have more peace if you just “got out?”
Catherine & Caleb, the main characters in the movie felt the same. Neither one had taken the time over their seven year marriage to understand or learn about each other. They lived their own lives, they grew farther and farther apart. They were both tempted, and those temptations lead to thoughts and desires of just giving up on their marriage.
As you watch the movie you will find yourself saying “I thought I was the only one going through this.” Rest assured, you are not and this movie is a testament to that. Most marriages go through this to some extent, sadly from the divorce statistics, it seems only half survive. As one line in the movie says “when most people promise ‘for better or for worse’ they only mean for the better” and give up or run away when it gets worse.
Caleb was talking to his dad about the fact that he and Catherine were headed for divorce. His dad asked him to hold off, just for 40 days and offered him the book “The Love Dare”. Caleb had enough desire in him to save his marriage that he decided to give it a try, but it was a half hearted try at best. After a few weeks of trying The Love Dare, Caleb was ready to give up until his dad explains what love is all about, and what it takes to be able to give unconditional love.
This movie has a little bit of everything, it will make you laugh and cry as it touches on nearly every area of life, including work, your parents, even the neighbors. It is a great reminder of several things:
- God expects us to love our spouse as He loves the church.
- God’s love for us is unconditional, that is the example we are to follow with our spouse by loving them unconditionally as well.
- Love is not a feeling, it is a commitment.
- Marriage is not a contract, it is a covenant for a lifetime.
- With Jesus Christ as our foundation all marriages can succeed, be healed, and restored.
This movie is worth seeing, and I would see it again in a heartbeat. Please pray it will touch couples nationwide and show that marriage and love is not a fight, but it is something worth fighting for, regardless of the circumstances.
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Tags: divorce, fireproof, love, love dare, marriage, separated, separation, unconditional love
Sometimes you get an email that is so powerful that forwarding to a friend or relative just doesn’t seem enough.
Today, I received one of those emails from my uncle. It is was titled “The Duck & the Devil.” I couldn’t even imagine what this could possible be about so I read in full…and Wow, it hit home.
It is a good reminder that no matter what we have done in the past or what we are doing now, God was and is there watching our every move. No matter the lye, if you cheated, in debt, scared, holding a grudge, have feelings of anger, hatred, bitterness, guilt or shame, no matter what you have done, God was there then and is there now, waiting for you to reach up to Him, ready to forgive - all you have to do is ask Him.
You may be surprised to know that the person you wronged, your friends, parents, spouse, whoever it is will also forgive you, if they haven’t already.
It is the evil one making you think that you can’t change your past, correct a wrong, go home. Whatever the issue, satan will make you feel through pride, guilt and shame that you are such a louse you could never go back to correct your wrong. That is so far from the truth!
The truth is, ask God for forgiveness and all wrongs will be washed away, give Him a chance and then give your family and friends the same chance, take a risk, you have nothing to lose and so much to gain.
Please read “The Duck & the Devil” - think about it, pray about it, live it.
There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods; but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back home for dinner.As he was walking back he saw Grandma’s pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved!
In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, ‘Sally, let’s wash the dishes’ But Sally said, ‘Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen.’ Then she whispered to him, ‘Remember the duck?’ So Johnny did the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, ‘I’m sorry but I need Sally to help make supper.’ Sally just smiled and said, ‘Well that’s all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help.’ She whispered again, ‘Remember the duck?’ So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.
After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally’s; he finally couldn’t stand it any longer.
He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.
Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, ‘Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you.’
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits,
hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.)…whatever it is…You need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing.He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven. He’s just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you.
The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness; He not only forgives you, but He forgets.
It is by God’s grace and mercy that we are saved.
Reach up to Him today, ask forgiveness, go to those you have wronged. Start living a life free from guilt and shame.
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Tags: , forgiveness, god, guilt, living in peace, pride, shame
Is it possible to fireproof your marriage?
Being married is wonderful; it is also the hardest thing in life that you encounter on a daily basis. It takes learning each others expectations of what being married is all about. It takes understanding, as well as learning to love each other after the “feelings” have worn off. It takes commitment and devotion to each other; it takes a lot of work. With the right foundation, it is possible to fireproof your marriage.
The creators of “Flywheel” and “Facing The Giants” will be releasing a new film titled, “Fireproof.” The movie is about Holt (Kirk Cameron) , a hero fire captain whose constant mantra to his team is, “Never leave your partner behind, especially in a fire.” When his wife tells him she wants a divorce, Holt realizes the contradiction between his commitment to run into a burning building to save a stranger but falling short in his marriage. With the help of his father, Holt takes up the challenging -– and often discouraging — challenge of reviving his marriage.
The movie representation appears to be very inspiring, I encourage you to click here for trailer and keep watch for the release which is September 26, 2008.
After seeing the trailer, and knowing how many people are struggling with relationship issues I felt impressed to add my thoughts on the topic. There is so much on the internet, TV, and day to day interactions that encourage divorce. It is time to spread the word that there are other options to just “giving up” on a marriage.
First let me make it clear, I am in not an expert on relationships. I have unfortunately gone through a divorce and pray for God’s will in restoration of my covenant relationship. In doing so, I have had much time to reflect on what I could have done better as well as mistakes I made.
No marriage is perfect, and no one in a marriage is perfect. It takes two to make a marriage and two to break a marriage. That is not to say that each person is equally responsible for all the problems in the marriage or the failure, it could be 50/50, 70/30 or even a 95/5 split, either way, each person holds some level of responsible, each person makes mistakes, after all we are human. At some point in time, when living with another individual you will hurt them, not intentionally, but it will happen. You have to acknowledge that hurt, correct it, and sincerely apologize and make it right. Without doing so, you are igniting a spark.
Why is that important to understand when it comes to fireproofing your marriage? I have had several people say to me “yes I am divorced but it wasn’t my fault” or “I am divorced but I did nothing wrong, my spouse just couldn’t handle being married.” When we refuse to acknowledge and take responsibility for our actions, we fail to heal properly and are unable to learn from the mistakes and improve in areas that need improvement. Even if the mistakes you made are as little as five percent compared to those of your spouse, they are still mistakes that must be acknowledged and corrected so the future of your relationship or restoration of your marriage will be on improved terms rather than repeating an unhealthy cycle.
Good comes from bad and unwanted events. Use these events to grow from the experience and improve who you are as a person.
So how does a couple fireproof their marriage? First, and foremost, the primary focus must be on God and prayer. Both on an individual basis as well as together as a couple. Pray for each other, and the relationship. Continually pray for a hedge of protection around your marriage. Satan is a professional when it comes to destroying marriages. He plants thoughts in your mind, and sends the wrong people onto your path to get you to think about other things that distract you from your marital commitment, doubt yourself and your spouse.
Satan knows how to make you “think” you deserve better. He can make you “think” and then “believe” that you have the “right” to “hang out with the boys” or “go out with the girls” every night of the week leaving your spouse home alone or alone to deal with the kids. He makes you “think” that it is okay to spend long hours at work after all you are “supporting your family.” There are no limits to the ways he can deceive you into thinking you are justified in neglecting your spouse, regardless of the form of the neglect. He can make your feel so discourage and such a failure that you are almost paralyzed when it comes to being a contributing partner to your marriage. He knows which buttons to push for each person that will affect your marriage. Your button may be very different than my button, but satan knows how to play and where and when to hit.
Satan can make you “think” that your spouse “doesn’t understand you”, and therefore you begin to shut down, stop sharing with your spouse, breaking the emotional intimate connection between the two of you.
He makes you “think” that person at work “understands you so much better than my spouse.” Satan can even convince you that “God sent that other person and it is okay to walk away from your marriage”
God will NEVER give you a reason to walk away from a marriage. That is not to say there may be a season where you separate for your own safety and protection of your family, or to recover from a substance abuse problem, but your focus should be on resolving the issues at hand, your marriage is at stack, do what ever it takes to save it.
That is also not to say there are not Biblical reasons for divorce, infidelity (Matthew 5:32) and abandonment (1 Corinthians 7:15). However, just because there is a Biblical reason for divorce, does not mean God likes it. God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) and would prefer you to work through your issues and restore relationship.
Remember the vows you spoke to each other and to God? Through sickness and health, good times and bad, rich or poor? Marriage is a commitment to each other and God, not a whim. If you focus on that, with God, you are fireproofing your marriage, it will be hard work, but worth it.
Satan is very clever, he has had years of practice breaking up relationships, he likes it because it causes so much hurt and pain, to each spouse, the kids, in-laws, the list is endless. When a marriage fails it touches everyone. Many times it even effects how you function at work; there is no limit to the destruction satan can produce in your life from a failed marriage, if you let him.
Did you catch those last four words…”if you let him.” This convincing
does not take place overnight, it takes, months, sometimes years, many
years before his tactics work. There are some marriages that fall to his
tactics after 37 or more years of marriage.
Do you see the pattern? Marriages are ending because that is what satan
wants, and we, you and I have let it happen by taking our eyes off of
Christ which opens the door for satan to step in.
We all have free will and have the ability to choose good over evil, God over satan. We all can choose not to accept satan’s temptations. He is very clever and can actually temp you in ways you don’t realize is satan. He can do this over time, building little by little until he finally achieves his goal of drawing you farther and farther away from God and eternal life.
Did you know that you can say aloud and command Satan to leave in the name of Jesus Christ that Satan leaves? That doesn’t mean he won’t try to come back, but God is mightier than satan, and the evil one knows he can’t defend himself against the name of Christ.
If you are reading this and rolling your eyes and saying “another bible thumper” and think what I am saying is not true, than that is exactly the type of thought satan wants you to think.
Fifty-one percent of Christians surveyed believe that there is no satan. Think about it, if you believe there is no satan, how easy is it to be deceived? You can’t protect yourself from something you “don’t think exists” right?
So back to the topic at hand, marriages end from the free will and actions of each spouse. If the relationship is not built on strong foundation of Christ, trust, commitment and with daily devotion, prayer and praise to our Lord, how is it possible to properly repel the advances of the evil one?
Have your heard the saying “you are what you eat”, same holds true with your mind. Garbage in, garbage out.
Think about this:
If you wake in the morning, suck down some caffeine (which is a drug), watched the news on TV then on your drive to work listen to the Gomer and Goober morning show on the radio, when you get to work start talking smack with the girls or guys in the office about what a louse your spouse is, where do you think your mind will be focused all day? Godly things or things with a negative slant?
Now what if you got up in the morning, had a piece of fruit and some juice and read a small morning bible passage or devotional, said a small prayer before leaving the house, listened to praise music or an audio CD of a Christian inspirational book on the way to work, then talked to the girls or guys about what a nice time you and your spouse had last night playing games or working in the yard together or just spending time with each other, how do you think your focus and mind will directed? Open to positive Godly things or negative things?
Slow deception:
How often have you looked at your spouse and thought to yourself “he is too fat” or “she doesn’t dress the way I want her to dress, this lady at work dresses nice all the time” or “I hate it when he reads the paper when I am trying to talk to him.” These thoughts are surface thoughts, that may seem harmless but will begin to break down how you view who your spouse really is, and opens your mind to compare your spouse to others around you. Overtime these negative thoughts start you to think a little deeper, maybe start thinking you could do better, that you don’t love your spouse anymore and eventually leave, ending the marriage, maybe for that other person who you “think” is so perfect.
By the way, nobody is perfect, but the evil one may have thinking that way. There are those who are “perfect for us” but they are not perfect. There is a difference. Also, as mentioned above, God will never send you another to replace your spouse, but satan will send you a counterfeit, a fake to deceive you further. Satan may even have you deceived in thinking you are so perfect or such a failure, that no one is good enough for you or you are not good enough for anyone and you are better off being alone.
It is so easy to focus on surface issues. It allows you to point the finger at someone else rather than looking at yourself. Surface issues are hard to resolve, because once one surface item is resolved, another surface item will come up. Satan will continually tell you that you are not satisfied, not content with the person you married or the person you left your spouse for, or with what you yourself are doing to find happiness. Sadly, you will never be satisfied if this is your thought process. Not with someone else, somewhere else nor with yourself.
Once you have broken your marriage, it will be that much easier to break the next marriage, and so on. Why? Because what you are searching for will never be found in an individual or within yourself. It will only be found and satisfied with a real relationship with God. From there your earthly relationships will thrive and survive.
If you and your spouse have a strong relationship with Christ, does that mean that the two of you will never have struggles or argue? Not at all. There may be times when satan may temp you even more so, as this is a challenge for him, he hates happy marriages. The difference is you have a strong foundation through Jesus Christ.
Practice this for a month:
Instead of thinking about all those little surface issues that you think are “so bad” about your spouse, think about those deep qualities of your spouse, the qualities that really matter in a spouse. Such as their commitment to God, their devotion to you. Think about the character of your spouse and their good work ethic. What about their parenting skills, which is a talent in and of itself to be thankful for. Are they a stay at home Mom or Dad? That is hard work. Think about how they took care of you when you were sick. Or how they help out your parents, their in-laws. What ever it is, all spouses have good deep qualities, those that really matter in a relationship. Those characteristics and qualities that make them who they are, the qualities that satan makes you forget. Those are the same qualities that attracted you to them in the first place. The qualities that you fell in love with and committed yourself to through marriage.
As I mentioned above, I am not a relationship expert, I have experienced hurt and pain and share these thoughts in hopes that it may provide some support and encouragement to not take the easy way out of a marriage by divorce. To avoid the devastation a broken marriage brings to the whole family unit. To fireproof your marriage with the a foundation of Christ Jesus, prayer, and satan repellent.
If your marriage has already ended, or you are separated, please visit RejoiceMinistries.com and sign up for Charlyne Cares daily emails, they are full of encouragement as well as biblical direction to help you build a relationship with the Prince of Peace, Christ. Rejoice Ministries was created by a couple who went through bad times and eventually divorced only to remarry two years later. They are living proof that, God does heal hurting marriages and that Nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37).
I am pleased to announce this article has been featured on the following sites: The Sixteenth Edition of the Carnival of Improving Life
Carnival of Family Life
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Tags: divorce, fireproof marriage, help my husband, help my wife, husband wife, marriage, marriage help, marriage restoration, relationship, Relationships, remarriage, stop divorce
This is republished from February with additional and what I think is the most important information and resource you can use during this time of separation and/or divorce, the update is listed at the bottom.
What do you do when your husband or wife decides to leave the marriage? You believe in your marital vows, “til death do us part.” You were committed to working on the marriage as a team, only to realize that belief and commitment was yours, not your spouses.
You believed in the person you married, of course you did or you would not have married them. There was no physical abuse and you don’t believe infidelity played a role, but your spouse says “I just don’t love you anymore and I am leaving.” Oh, how that hurts like no other hurt.
This is just one scenario of a marriage break up, how ever it happens the hurt is still the same.
Marriage is about two whole people agree and commit to work together as a team. Two who are in love and who believe that love is true devotion rather than a passing “feeling.” When one person in the team stops working, gives up and/or runs away, it is impossible for the other to keep the marriage together without God.
When your husband or wife leaves, it is most likely the most hurtful event of your life short of loosing a child to death.
As painful as it is to have your spouse leave you, you will survive with God’s help. You may not think so but you will.
I encourage anyone in this situation to focus on you and God rather than the one who left. Many times, out of love we want to focus on the person who left rather than you. You can’t fix them or change their mind, all you can do is pray for them. You can and must focus on you and God. Decide how you will handle this in your mind and begin healing yourself.
Focus on helping you - right now. You are the most important thing. Understand you are going to grieve, and know the grieving process. This will help you flow through your emotions, emotions that you must experience in order to heal properly from this terrible hurt. If you don’t feel these emotions, and cycle through the grieving process, you will not be able to build a healthy relationship in the future nor will you be prepared if your former spouse wishes to reconcile. Your emotions must come out in one way or another, feel the hurt now, and heal from it.
The stages of grief are below. You won’t go through them in order, and you may experience multiple stages at once. You may even go back to a stage you thought you had already passed through. This is all normal. The important thing is to not to get stuck in any one stage for an extended period of time. You should be progressing toward healing, and no one can tell you how long it will take. It may be one year or some professionals say up to five years. Regardless of the length of time, in order for you to heal properly you need to process the grief fully.
The stages in the grieving process are:
- Shock/Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Focus on your healing as well as your security. Work out, eat better, and surround yourself with support. If you have children focus on them to ensure their well being and help with their security.
As difficult as it may seem, this is a time when you need to make yourself a better individual, we all have room to improve who we are. Separation and/or divorce are a major life change and setback, but this can help you become a better individual. Take this time to rebuild your relationship with God, look to Him for strength. It is a time to look inside at who you are, and who you want to be so you can come out on the other side stronger, for yourself and for those around you.
Believe God is by your side during this terrible journey, He will see you through. He will be with you when you feel alone, reach out to Him, His hand is there, and His arms will hold and comfort you. He will never let go or let you down, all you have to do is reach out to Him. God has a plan in your life, trust in Him, give it a try and truly believe, He will help you heal.
Look to your friends and family, they love you and will be there for you. They may not understand what you are going through, especially if they have never experienced a separation or divorce before, you may have to ask specific ways in which you need their help as they may not know how to help.
Meet with a Christian counselor so you don’t loose your focus and to provide you with a third party perspective. Be careful a true Christian counselor will not encourage “bashing” of your spouse but should help you focus on your emotional healing, self improvement, as well as some biblical instruction regarding forgiveness, restoration etc.
The end of a marriage is not the end of your life, yes, it will feel like it is, and it is the end of some hopes and dreams, but it is also the time to create new dreams, hopes and goals. To relearn who you are as an individual, to become a better parent, learn a new career, build new friendships.
Will you have set backs? You bet. Will you have some good days and then bounce back feeling sad and alone….of course you will. But as you heal, these set backs will come further and further apart, and be shorter in duration.
We can all get through our challenges in life successfully as long as you communicate your feelings and process your emotions in a healthy way. Create a plan, set goals for your day, week, and month.
Channel negative emotions like anger into positive productive tasks rather than something destructive. Positive tasks would be something like cleaning the house like you have never cleaned before, doing landscape work around the house, and detailing your car.
Keep your head clear, don’t try to drawn your hurt, anger and fear in drinking or drugs, all this will do is numb important feelings you need to feel and draw out your grieving process because as soon as you sober up, you will feel those feelings on top of not feeling good from a hangover. Try your best not to be self destructive.
Keep your kids involved as well, they too are going through some emotional challenges as well. Explain to them in a way they will understand at their age, that the break up of Mom and Dad is not their fault and that you both still love them just the same.
Focus on the future not the past, I know it is and will be hard, but you will be okay from this. God will see to that. You will be a better person in the long run.
UPDATE: Since I first wrote this in February ‘08, I have found a wonderful faith based site on building your relationship with Christ as well as standing for the healing of your marriage, regardless of your legal marital status.
If you believe that through the covenant of Christ you are still married and you are willing to follow God’s will in your life, hand all things over to Him. Maybe you feel the need for further encouragement, please visit RejoiceMinistries be sure to look at the bottom of each web page on this site for the important and informative links.
Rejoice Ministries has produced a wonderful PDF document on “When Your Spouse Walks Out” I encourage you to download it and read it; it is very helpful as an additional resource.
Pray, not just for God’s will in your life, but in the life of the loved one who has left you. Pray for your ability to forgive the one who has hurt you, once you forgive them, your healing process will proceed much faster. You will more clearly hear God speaking to you in His still small voice and you will begin to learn what His plan is in your life.
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Tags: "I don't love you", divorce, end of marriage, he left, husband left, seperation, she left, wife left
“But my kids are happy.”
This is what the lady in front on me inline at Kmart said yesterday as she was unloading a cart full of toys. She went on to say she had two kids and their birthday’s were coming up. Her posture confirmed her words, she seemed defeated….broke. She seemed guilty knowing she couldn’t afford all that she was buying by the way she was “justifying” her actions by telling complete strangers “but my kids are happy.”
The toys were for kids in the age range of three to five, and I have to admit I felt sad for her as she paid with a credit card. It was as if she was using her last bit of credit limit to portray to her kids “all is ok” and here is more stuff to prove it.
So much ran through my mind, as I watched her, I wanted to reach out and offer advice on how to not be broke, how to stop the cycle of paying with money she didn’t have. I wanted so bad to show her the was a way out from under all that stress, but of course the situation and timing was just not right…she was through the line and on her way.
How many times have you had that same thought process of “I’m broke” but feel like you have to keep paying out money you don’t have to “keep someone happy”?
I once knew a man who was broke, he was divorced and had a son. He gave his son anything and everything. Video games, two new cars, all kinds of “stuff” which kept the father broke and the son lacking in what he really needed….quality time with his Dad.
So often I talk to people who are in debt, who justify staying in debt because they “have” to buy more “stuff” for someone. Not realizing, that many times the one thing our loved ones want and need, it quality time with us. Quality time that is free to give, but many times the hardest to give.
Why is quality time so hard to freely give to our loved ones? Why is it so much easier to go to the store, buy some stuff and hand it over smile and be on our way while our loved one plays with their new stuff?
Personally, I think it is because we have been to pre-occuipied with ourselves. We, as a society, seemed to have become desentized to emotional intimacy with family and loved ones. We have become focused on anything that we can that takes us away from talking to one another, to learning about each other. We have become afraid of listening if that listening involves anything but “happy thoughts.” So what do we do? We focus on stuff. Many times that stuff keeps us further and further away from building deeping bonds with people. Video games, TV’s, internet, movie tickets, toys and the like.
All this stuff, keeps us in debt as well as keeps us from knowing those around us. We feel guilt for buying (because we can’t afford it) and we feel guilt from not buying, because we don’t really want to give what is needed, yourself.
Getting out of debt has more benefits than just not owing someone else money, it provides you the ability to give of yourself buy not buying stuff. It opens up the possibility of becoming more creating of how to give of yourself, rather than spending money.
Giving of yourself is far more difficult than spending money, it is also far more rewarding, but in the short term and the long term.
Think about it…and take the risk - give a part of you to someone rather than buy something at a store.
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Tags: debt, giving yourself, guilt, love, respect, saving on gifts, time with family
Individual Character
It is really all we have in life that shows who we really are to others.
Dictionary.com defines character in part as: moral or ethical quality. Qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity, reputation.
What does it mean to be of good character? Have you really thought how others view you and your character? Have you thought about the true character of those around you?
I believe that true character is what you do, when no one is looking. If you stand and “preach” about how bad it is to steal, deceive, look at porn, cheat on a spouse, etc, but when you think no one is looking, you choose not to tell a sales clerk they gave you too much change, or you don’t tell your spouse you spending two hours after work each day with a person of the opposite sex, or you wait until the family goes to bed before you go to internet sites that you don’t want them to know you visit, that is when you are showing your true character. Maybe not to those who know you, but to yourself, and to God.
You see even when we think no one is looking, someone is always watching our actions. God is always hearing our thoughts and knows our intentions. Many times, those around you may know what you are doing as well, they may just be to shocked or afraid to let you know they know.
Are we perfect? No. None of us is perfect, we all have character flaws. But what separates an individual of true character from one who “pretends” to have true character is in our ability to admit our flaws and attempt to correct them. To acknowledge we are not perfect.
I once heard a statement, we are only as sick as our secrets. That is so very true. The more you try to “hide” who you really are, the sicker you will become. But when we acknowledge our character flaws openly is when we can begin to overcome them, to heal, to build character. To improve who we are as individuals. It is a never ending process, but one that is essential for inner peace and future success, personally and professionally.
I have known people who on the outside appeared to be an individuals of character. They would say all the right things. Inside, they had many secrets. Only those very close to them, and there were few as they did not let people get too close, saw issues with deception and secretive behavior. Through the years this caused them to have failed marriages, trouble with family members, and more. Their character effected all aspects of their lives and the bad character caught up with them in the end in one form or another.
I write about this today because I think there are many who hide behind an appearance of good character. In order for any of us to be successful personally, financially and professionally we must first focus on our own true personal character and relationship with Christ. Look deep inside of who you really. What your true focus is on, not just who you portray yourself to be.
Are you trustworthy, loyal, a committed spouse and/or friend? Do you have a relationship with God? Can you deep inside know you did not do or think about anything you would be ashamed of if you did it or thought it in front of God? Are you keeping secrets from your spouse or significant other? If you are you must know, deep down inside it is wrong. After all, if what you were doing was right, you wouldn’t be ashamed to admit it to those who love you, would you?
Even I work on building my character everyday, right now, I am listening to the audio book “Become a Better You” by Joel Osteen. I highly recommend it as a great starting place to improve who you are, regardless of where you are starting from.
Today, think about who you are. What is your true character? Who are you when no one is looking? Where can you improve your life, and how would that improve the life around you with your family, friends and career? You and only you make the choice of who you are, and what your character is. What will you choose?
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Tags: better life, better marriage, character, christ, christian, god, relationship, self improvement, trust
