I receive so many emails about broken marriages, it is upsetting what satan is doing.  This is republished from February ’08 with additional and what I think is the most important information and resource you can use during this time of separation and/or divorce, the update is listed at the bottom.

What do you do when your husband or wife decides to leave the marriage? You believe in your marital vows, “til death do us part.” You were committed to working on the marriage as a team, only to realize that belief and commitment was yours, not your spouses.

You believed in the person you married, of course you did or you would not have married them. There was no physical abuse and you don’t believe infidelity played a role, but your spouse says “I just don’t love you anymore and I am leaving.” Oh, how that hurts like no other hurt.

This is just one scenario of a marriage break up, how ever it happens the hurt is still the same.

Marriage is about two whole people agree and commit to work together as a team. Two who are in love and who believe that love is true devotion rather than a passing “feeling.” When one person in the team stops working, gives up and/or runs away, it is impossible for the other to keep the marriage together without God.

When your husband or wife leaves, it is most likely the most hurtful event of your life short of loosing a child to death.

As painful as it is to have your spouse leave you, you will survive with God’s help. You may not think so but you will.

I encourage anyone in this situation to focus on you and God rather than the one who left. Many times, out of love we want to focus on the person who left rather than you. You can’t fix them or change their mind, all you can do is pray for them. You can and must focus on you and God. Decide how you will handle this in your mind and begin healing yourself.

Focus on helping you – right now. You are the most important thing. Understand you are going to grieve, and know the grieving process. This will help you flow through your emotions, emotions that you must experience in order to heal properly from this terrible hurt. If you don’t feel these emotions, and cycle through the grieving process, you will not be able to build a healthy relationship in the future nor will you be prepared if your former spouse wishes to reconcile. Your emotions must come out in one way or another, feel the hurt now, and heal from it.

The stages of grief are below. You won’t go through them in order, and you may experience multiple stages at once. You may even go back to a stage you thought you had already passed through. This is all normal. The important thing is to not to get stuck in any one stage for an extended period of time. You should be progressing toward healing, and no one can tell you how long it will take. It may be one year or some professionals say up to five years. Regardless of the length of time, in order for you to heal properly you need to process the grief fully.

The stages in the grieving process are:

• Shock/Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Focus on your healing as well as your security. Work out, eat better, and surround yourself with support. If you have children focus on them to ensure their well being and help with their security.

As difficult as it may seem, this is a time when you need to make yourself a better individual, we all have room to improve who we are. Separation and/or divorce are a major life change and setback, but this can help you become a better individual. Take this time to rebuild your relationship with God, look to Him for strength. It is a time to look inside at who you are, and who you want to be so you can come out on the other side stronger, for yourself and for those around you.

Believe God is by your side during this terrible journey, He will see you through. He will be with you when you feel alone, reach out to Him, His hand is there, and His arms will hold and comfort you. He will never let go or let you down, all you have to do is reach out to Him. God has a plan in your life, trust in Him, give it a try and truly believe, He will help you heal.

Look to your friends and family, they love you and will be there for you. They may not understand what you are going through, especially if they have never experienced a separation or divorce before, you may have to ask specific ways in which you need their help as they may not know how to help.

Meet with a Christian counselor so you don’t loose your focus and to provide you with a third party perspective.  Be careful a true Christian counselor will not encourage “bashing” of your spouse but should help you focus on your emotional healing, self improvement, as well as some biblical instruction regarding forgiveness, restoration etc.

The end of a marriage is not the end of your life, yes, it will feel like it is, and it is the end of some hopes and dreams, but it is also the time to create new dreams, hopes and goals. To relearn who you are as an individual, to become a better parent, learn a new career, build new friendships.

Will you have set backs? You bet. Will you have some good days and then bounce back feeling sad and alone….of course you will. But as you heal, these set backs will come further and further apart, and be shorter in duration.

We can all get through our challenges in life successfully as long as you communicate your feelings and process your emotions in a healthy way. Create a plan, set goals for your day, week, and month.

Channel negative emotions like anger into positive productive tasks rather than something destructive. Positive tasks would be something like cleaning the house like you have never cleaned before, doing landscape work around the house, and detailing your car.

Keep your head clear, don’t try to drawn your hurt, anger and fear in drinking or drugs, all this will do is numb important feelings you need to feel and draw out your grieving process because as soon as you sober up, you will feel those feelings on top of not feeling good from a hangover. Try your best not to be self destructive.

Keep your kids involved as well, they too are going through some emotional challenges as well. Explain to them in a way they will understand at their age, that the break up of Mom and Dad is not their fault and that you both still love them just the same.

Focus on the future not the past, I know it is and will be hard, but you will be okay from this. God will see to that. You will be a better person in the long run.

UPDATE: Since I first wrote this in February ‘08, I have found a wonderful faith based site on building your relationship with Christ as well as standing for the healing of your marriage, regardless of your legal marital status.

If you believe that through the covenant of Christ you are still married and you are willing to follow God’s will in your life, hand all things over to Him. Maybe you feel the need for further encouragement, please visit RejoiceMinistries be sure to look at the bottom of each web page on this site for the important and informative links.

Rejoice Ministries has produced a wonderful PDF document on “When Your Spouse Walks Out” I encourage you to download it and read it; it is very helpful as an additional resource.

Pray, not just for God’s will in your life, but in the life of the loved one who has left you. Pray for your ability to forgive the one who has hurt you, once you forgive them, your healing process will proceed much faster. You will more clearly hear God speaking to you in His still small voice and you will begin to learn what His plan is in your life.

If the title of this post seems strong, good! It’s meant to be. I can’t think of anything else that I really “hate.” Sure there may be some things I don’t like such as brussel spouts, or other things I don’t care for like someone weaving all over the interstate while they are talking on their cell phone, but the only thing that I really hate is divorce.

In the last six months I personally know of four couples who are heading for divorce. Two of which were in the last two weeks. In each case the husband decided that they would enjoy life better without their wife. Three were already involved with another woman, the fourth stated he left to “be alone” but has since found another woman…so much for being alone.

In every case the remaining spouse was very willing to forgive and attempt to work out the issues of their marriage.   In each of the four couples one party was totally unwilling to be honest and truly work on the covenant commitment they made with their spouse.  Two of which lied and went to counseling, even stated things were getting better has they were basically packing their bags.

Three of the couples have children, one couple even experienced two mis-carriages in the effort to start a family, now they have two beautiful daughters and he has just walked away, stating he wants nothing to do with his wife or his daughters.

The longest marriage was 23 years, the shortest 8 years. Two of the couples knew their was something wrong, the other two were totally surprised by their husbands decision to leave.

Why?? Why is it men, and yes even women, think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence? For the few prodigals who have read down this far, when the endorphins of this new found life wear off you may find that the grass still needs to be mowed regardless of which side of the fence you are on.

Marriage is for better or worse.  How is it some people think they can just walk away, some even run away to find peace else where instead of living up to their commitment?  Society has glorified divorce, even made it out to be “your right.”

Sure their are biblical reasons for divorce.  But there is no reason for a spouse to leave to seek another or to  seek a self centered life style.  It is just not right, at least not right as far as the Bible says.

The one thing that satan does best is break up marriages, and families. It causes hurt and chaos in so many ways. One is the kids are hurt, many blame themselves for their parents issues. Many kids are confused why there is a counterfeit mom or dad in the picture. Let’s face it, no body can raise, love or care for their kids better than a healthy biological parent.

Another way divorce effects people is at work, when you are going through a divorce your focus is not on your work. You are dealing with emotional strain, plus adding to your normally busy schedule by visiting attorney’s, counselors, mediators, and the like. Some even lose their job due to these distractions.

Yes, I hate divorce! I hate what satan does to marriages. I pray every single day that prodigals will stop listening to the world and satan and start listening to the still small voice of Christ. I pray that these prodigals will return to their covenant spouse.

I pray that the spouse who wants to save their marriage will pray, pray, pray. Prayer and Bible study are the number one ways to save your marriage. Focus more on God, build a relationship with Him. In addition, as humans we want something from this world to study as well that will help, that is why I have a link to “Save Your Christian Marriage” on this site as well as always recommend Rejoice Marriage Ministries for support. If you hate divorce like I do, please use both of these resources to help save and heal your marriage.

Also, while your praying for your own marriage, please pray for every marriage, that they will be surrounded by a hedge of protection against satan and his evil attack against families and marriages all around the world.  Divorce must be stopped, it doesn’t help anyone and hurts so many.  I know, I have gone through a divorce, I didn’t study enough, I didn’t have a strong enough relationship with Christ.  I didn’t pray enough.  I hate divorce!

It is meaningless that I hate divorce, listen to what God says, why do so many people go against God?

“I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty.  So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. Malachi 2:16 (NIV)

They are doing it again.   Alex and Stephen Kendrick are in the process of filming a new movie title “Courageous.”

You may remember the Kendrick brothers started out with the movie Flywheel (Director’s Cut) then Facing the Giants followed by my personal favorite Fireproof.    Well as of this writing they are in the process of filming “Courageous” and from the clips I have seen it too will be very inspirational with a wonderful Christian based message.

Courageous is about four law enforcement officers.  The prove they are willing and able to stand up to the terrible things the world has to offer.  But in their personal world, they each face the challenge that no amount of training can provide -  fatherhood.

From the synopsis it explains that these four  consistently give their all on the job but are doing just enough to get by when it comes to being a dad and soon realize that “getting by” isn’t enough when it comes to being a father a real dad.

The Courageous website goes on to say:

They know that God desires to turn the hearts of fathers to their children, but their children are beginning to drift further and further away from them. Will they be able to find a way to serve and protect those that are most dear to them?

When tragedy hits home, these men are left wrestling with their hopes, their fears, their faith, and their fathering. Can a newfound urgency help these dads draw closer to God … and to their children?

If this is anything like the other Sherwood Pictures, I am sure this film will be inspiring and encouraging.   Families now days need all the encouragement possible, especially dads, who many times just don’t know how to be a “dad” to their kids.

Courageous … honor begins at home. Check out this small video clip showing a bit of the production process.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=2z6_DG6Tc_k

Has your husband or wife left your marriage?

When they first left, did you feel a sense of relief?  Not relief that they left, but relief that the consent friction that was occurring in the household has now stopped.   It was relief that even though they made the wrong decision to leave at least a decision was finally made.

That feeling of relief soon turns into the reality that your one flesh husband or wife is gone.  Oh the pain that causes in your heart.  It is a pain like no other pain.  Your heart has just been ripped out of your chest, then ripped in half, thrown on the grown and stumped on.  If your husband or wife has left you, you know the pain I am talking about.

I know that pain personally, I am going through what you may be going through right now.  I cried, actually still do sometimes, I was angry and frustrated, still am sometimes.  After all, you and your husband or wife, stood before God and made a covenant, for better or worse, sick or poor, till death.  You are angry and frustrated because your spouse didn’t hold true to that covenant.  You feel betrayed, and rightfully so.

Who betrayed you?  Oh,  I hear your answer, my wife that’s who!  Or, what do you mean who betrayed me, it was my husband, he was the one who left not me.  Yes, in this world both answers are correct.  But what is the deeper answer.  Your husband or wife didn’t leave because of something you did, sure they may blame it all on you, but the bottom line is they left because they took their eyes off God.  They left because the foundation of your marriage was not set firmly on Christ and satan slipped in.  Satan began his attack on your marriage the second you said “I do” and worked his tactics on each of you until one of you caved to the evil ones deceptions.

Think about it, would you have married your spouse knowing that he or she was going to walk out on you years later?  Of course not, you both married each other believing your marriage would last forever.

This isn’t about the blame game, the marriage is broken.  Satan at this moment has the upper hand.  Now what are you going to do about it?  Regardless if your husband or wife left, part of your vows were for better or worse, this is the worse part.  Sure man’s law might say you are divorced, you might have been the one who initiated it at the request of your spouse or through your anger of them leaving.  That doesn’t matter, in God’s eyes you are still married. Are you willing to hold true to your covenant vows even though your husband or wife hasn’t?   For better or worse.  If your husband was still home, but sick would you walk away from him or sit by his bed side and nurse him to health?  If your wife had an drug problem, would you walk away from her or get her into a recovery program and support her through her addiction?  Your spouse leaving due to satan’s temptations is no different.  He or she has been taken captive by the evil one.  They have taken their eyes off God, believed the devils lies that life is so much better without you in it.  Believing that they are “free” to live a worldly life, go out with as many women or men as they want.  Maybe they have even been deceived in thinking they have found true love with someone else, a counterfeit replacement of you.  Whatever they are doing or thinking, they are being deceived and have been taken captive by the evil one.

Are you willing to stand in the gap for your husband or wife during this time just as you would if they were in ill health or had an addiction problem?  They are a prisoner of satan.  What did your covenant vows mean to you?  Isn’t your husband or wife sick right now with deception from satan?  Aren’t they addicted to the worlds view of life?

Stand for your marriage, stand in the gap for your husband or wife.  Pray for them daily, after all, if you don’t pray for them who will?  Stand for God’s will in both your spouse’s life and yours.   Pray that they will reach up to God and ask for forgiveness.  At the same time, pray for yourself.  Pray that God will make you into HIS image.  The marriage failed because both of you were not grounded in Christ, the foundation was not as strong as it needed to be.  Build your own personal foundation on Christ.  Live your life as Christ directs you.  Pray for your husband or wife.  Let God make changes in both of you.

Get support, standing for your marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do.  It is much harder than living in a broken marriage.  Satan is pulling at us standers every minute of every day to give up.  You need support.  Trust me, support will be hard to find from your friends or family when it comes to standing for a man or woman who walked out on you.  You see your friends and family saw how this person hurt you.  They will not understand how you can stand for someone who treated you so badly.  They have not made the covenant with your spouse and with God… you have.   God will send you someone who will understand your commitment and they will stand with you.  That someone God sends you may be in the form of a ministry.  For me, God sent me to Rejoice Marriage Ministries.  Please visit their site RejoiceMinistries.org their site.  Read their story of divorce and re-marriage.  This is a real couple, who believe in Jesus Christ and their whole ministry is focused on the Bible and God as it relates to marriage restoration.

Like I said I am where you are, I am standing.  I know you are hoping for a miracle, you are wanting to know “when” your husband or wife will return and you are looking for “signs”.  I can tell you the only real answer to the question of when they will return is in God’s timing and only in God’s timing.  Please don’t look for sites on the internet that talk of time-lines, or listen to friends who tell you about the circumstances of what your spouse is doing and with who.  The bottom line is, God has a plan for you in HIS life.  Let God be your spouse for this season.  Rely on HIM, He will give you peace and comfort you need.

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“I’m Broke….But my kids are happy.”

This is what the lady in front on me at Kmart said yesterday when we were inline as she was unloading a cart full of toys.  She went on to say she had two kids and their birthday’s were coming up. Her posture confirmed her words, she seemed defeated….broke. She seemed guilty knowing she couldn’t afford all that she was buying by the way she was “justifying” her actions by telling complete strangers “but my kids are happy.”

The toys were for kids in the age range of three to five, and I have to admit I felt sad for her as she paid with a credit card. It was as if she was using her last bit of credit limit to portray to her kids “all is okay” and here is more stuff to prove it.

So much ran through my mind, as I watched her, I wanted to reach out and offer advice on how to not be broke, how to stop the cycle of paying with money she didn’t have. I wanted so badly to show her there was a way out from under all that stress, but of course the situation and timing was just not right…she was through the line and on her way.

How many times have you had that same thought process of “I’m broke” but feel like you have to keep paying out money you don’t have to keep someone happy?

I once knew a man who was broke, he was divorced and had a son. He gave his son anything and everything. Video games, two new cars, all kinds of “stuff” which kept the father broke and the son lacking in what he really needed….quality time with his Dad.

So often I talk to people who are in debt, who justify staying in debt because they “have” to buy more “stuff” for someone. Not realizing, that many times the one thing our loved ones want and need, it quality time with us. Quality time that is free to give, but many times the hardest to give.

Why is quality time so hard to freely give to our loved ones? Why is it so much easier to go to the store, buy some stuff,  hand it over with a smile and be on our way while our loved one plays with their new stuff?

Personally, I think it is because we have been to pre-occupied with ourselves. We, as a society, seem to have become desensitized to emotional intimacy with family and loved ones. We have become focused on anything that we can that takes us away from talking to one another, to learning about each other. We have become afraid of listening if that listening involves anything but “happy thoughts.” So what do we do? We focus on stuff. Many times that stuff keeps us further and further away from building deep bonds with people. Video games, TV’s, internet, movie tickets, toys and the like.

All this stuff, keeps us in debt as well as keeps us from knowing those around us. We feel guilt for buying (because we can’t afford it) and we feel guilt from not buying, because we don’t really want to give what is needed that is personal time with others.

Getting out of debt has more benefits than just not owing someone else money, it provides you the ability to give of yourself buy not buying stuff. It opens up the possibility of becoming more creative of how to give of yourself, rather than spending money.

Giving of yourself is far more difficult than spending money, it is also far more rewarding, both in the short term and the long term.

Think about it…take the risk – give a part of you to someone rather than buying something.

Re-posted from March 2008

Marriage, sharing your life with another person for life, or at least you thought it was for life.

Have you gone through a divorce, separated or are currently living in a hurting marriage?  I understand your pain, but there is hope through Jesus Christ.

When we get married we don’t do it with the thought process of getting divorced year later.  We get married because we have made a choice, yes a choice not a feeling, to love our spouse.   All marriages have ups and downs, happiness and hurts.  Even though a marriage may be in a hurting season, we are surprised when our spouse makes a choice not to stay with the promise they made, that we both made to each other “for better or for worse until death”, instead they decide to leave.

Oh the hurt, the anger, the pain that their choice causes.  Oh I know you may feel relief at first, peace even.  Suddenly  you begin to feel the tug of Christ.  Reminding you about your promise, the covenant you made with your spouse before Christ.  For better or worse, sure you may be legally divorced, but in God’s eyes you are still married.  For better or worse.

My friend, you are not the only one going through this pain.  Nor are you standing alone.  I am a faithful stander too.  Please watch the video clip below from a couple who had a hurting marriage, one that ended in divorce.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0B5jOXVFfc

Standing will be difficult at times, you will most likely think about giving up.  Don’t!  Never give up!   “…With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

Pray and read the Bible, you can’t stand alone, you need God.  Pray the full armor of God around you and your spouse.

Read the full story of Jeff & Cheryl Scurggs in their book “I Do Again” their true story will give you further encouragement that spouses do come home, marriages do and are being restored because  -- Nothing is impossible with God.

Yesterday was the final day of our “31 Days of Praying for your Husband”, now what are you going to do?  Are you going to stop praying for your husband?  Please don’t stop praying for him.

He needs you, he needs your prayers.  You are the most important person in his life, he needs you to pray for him.  I realize he may have hurt you.  You may be angry with him.  Remember your vows, for better or for worse.   It is even more important to pray during the “worse” than it is the “better.”

Some who are reading this may be in a hurting marriage, you may even be divorced.  That doesn’t mean he is not your husband.  Man’s law never trumps God’s law.  Pray for your husband, your covenant husband.  God sees you as married, are you saying you know better than God by saying you are not married?

Many may be saying, I prayed for him for 31 days and nothing changed, he is still the same.  But have you changed?  You see praying for your husband is more than praying for your husband to change…you will find that you are changing. You are softening who you are.  As you change, you will be amazed how you will see your husband differently, how God will show you a new husband.

Stormie Omartian has written a wonder book that I have read many times and highly recommend.  “The Power of a Praying Wife“  will give you encouragement, strengthen your faith in God, give you a new perspective on  your marriage, your husband and yourself.  It is essential for all marriages good, bad, hurting or broken.

Pray for your husband and never give up, satan is ready and waiting to break up your marriage, continual prayers will keep the door closed to his attacks.  Prayers will surround your husband with Gods love, protect him against those attacks.

Please never stop praying for your husband.

Day 31
Pray that your husband will recognize the lies of the Enemy in his life. Pray that his attitudes and actions will be guided by the truth as he brings his thoughts into captivity to the Word of God. (John 8:44; 2 Cor. 10:4-5)

Bible reading and study, prayer, meditation, scripture memorization, etc.

You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. John 8:44 (NIV)

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 (NIV)

Read here how  and why I started this series.

Used by permission from Revive Our Hearts

Day 30
Pray that your husband will serve God and others with pure motives. Pray that he will obey the Lord from his heart, and glorify Him in everything. (1 Cor. 10:13; John 7:17-18; Col. 3:23-24)

Bible reading and study, prayer, meditation, scripture memorization, etc.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)

If anyone chooses to do God’s will, he will find out whether my teaching comes from God or whether I speak on my own. ¹⁸He who speaks on his own does so to gain honor for himself, but he who works for the honor of the one who sent him is a man of truth; there is nothing false about him. John 7:17-18 (NIV)

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, ²⁴since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Colossians 3:23-24(NIV)

Read here how  and why I started this series.

Used by permission from Revive Our Hearts

Day 29
Pray that your husband will surrender his time and talents to the Lord. Pray that his spiritual gifts will be manifest in his career, at church, and in your home. (Eph. 5:15-16; 1 Cor. 12:4, 7)

Bible reading and study, prayer, meditation, scripture memorization, etc.

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Ephesians 5:15-16 (NIV)

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. 1 Corinthians 12 4 & 7

Read here how  and why I started this series.

Used by permission from Revive Our Hearts