Ladies - Have you ever felt like your husband just doesn’t understand you.  That they have no clue about all the hard work you do?  Have you ever felt bitter or angry that you work all day and then are expected to clean the house, do the laundry, take care of the kids, go shopping, etc, and it still isn’t enough?

Gentlemen - Do you think that all your hard work is not appreciated and that you are not respected?  After all, you work hard all day only to come home to a house that isn’t like YOU think it should be, right?

Has this anger, bitterness and resentment that you have been harboring over the years started to affect your communication and affection toward your spouse?  Has it affected your desire to care about your spouse?  Have you even started to doubt your love for your spouse?  Are you starting to think you would have more peace if you just “got out?”

Catherine & Caleb, the main characters in the movie felt the same.  Neither one had taken the time over their seven year marriage to understand or learn about each other.  They lived their own lives, they grew farther and farther apart.  They were both tempted, and those temptations lead to thoughts and desires of just giving up on their marriage.

As you watch the movie you will find yourself saying “I thought I was the only one going through this.”  Rest assured, you are not and this movie is a testament to that.  Most marriages go through this to some extent, sadly from the divorce statistics, it seems only half survive.  As one line in the movie says “when most people promise ‘for better or for worse’ they only mean for the better” and give up or run away when it gets worse.

Caleb was talking to his dad about the fact that he and Catherine were headed for divorce.  His dad asked him to hold off, just for 40 days and offered him the book “The Love Dare”.  Caleb had enough desire in him to save his marriage that he decided to give it a try, but it was a half hearted try at best.  After a few weeks of trying The Love Dare, Caleb was ready to give up until his dad explains what love is all about, and what it takes to be able to give unconditional love.

This movie has a little bit of everything, it will make you laugh and cry as it touches on nearly every area of life, including work, your parents, even the neighbors.   It is a great reminder of several things:

• God expects us to love our spouse as He loves the church.
• God’s love for us is unconditional, that is the example we are to follow with our spouse by loving them unconditionally as well.
• Love is not a feeling, it is a commitment.
• Marriage is not a contract, it is a covenant for a lifetime.
• With Jesus Christ as our foundation all marriages can succeed, be healed, and restored.

This movie is worth seeing, and I would see it again in a heartbeat.   Please pray it will touch couples nationwide and show that marriage and love is not a fight, but it is something worth fighting for, regardless of the circumstances.

Being married is wonderful; it is also the hardest thing in life that you encounter on a daily basis. It takes learning each others expectations of what being married is all about. It takes understanding, as well as learning to love each other after the “feelings” have worn off. It takes commitment and devotion to each other; it takes a lot of work. With the right foundation, it is possible to fireproof your marriage.

The creators of “Flywheel” and “Facing The Giants” will be releasing a new film titled, “Fireproof.” The movie is about Holt (Kirk Cameron) , a hero fire captain whose constant mantra to his team is, “Never leave your partner behind, especially in a fire.” When his wife tells him she wants a divorce, Holt realizes the contradiction between his commitment to run into a burning building to save a stranger but falling short in his marriage. With the help of his father, Holt takes up the challenging -– and often discouraging — challenge of reviving his marriage.

The movie representation appears to be very inspiring, I encourage you to click here for trailer and keep watch for the release which is September 26, 2008.

After seeing the trailer, and knowing how many people are struggling with relationship issues I felt impressed to add my thoughts on the topic. There is so much on the internet, TV, and day to day interactions that encourage divorce. It is time to spread the word that there are other options to just “giving up” on a marriage.

First let me make it clear, I am in not an expert on relationships. I have unfortunately gone through a divorce and pray for God’s will in restoration of my covenant relationship. In doing so, I have had much time to reflect on what I could have done better as well as mistakes I made.

No marriage is perfect, and no one in a marriage is perfect. It takes two to make a marriage and two to break a marriage. That is not to say that each person is equally responsible for all the problems in the marriage or the failure, it could be 50/50, 70/30 or even a 95/5 split, either way, each person holds some level of responsible, each person makes mistakes, after all we are human. At some point in time, when living with another individual you will hurt them, not intentionally, but it will happen. You have to acknowledge that hurt, correct it, and sincerely apologize and make it right. Without doing so, you are igniting a spark.

Why is that important to understand when it comes to fireproofing your marriage? I have had several people say to me “yes I am divorced but it wasn’t my fault” or “I am divorced but I did nothing wrong, my spouse just couldn’t handle being married.” When we refuse to acknowledge and take responsibility for our actions, we fail to heal properly and are unable to learn from the mistakes and improve in areas that need improvement. Even if the mistakes you made are as little as five percent compared to those of your spouse, they are still mistakes that must be acknowledged and corrected so the future of your relationship or restoration of your marriage will be on improved terms rather than repeating an unhealthy cycle.

Good comes from bad and unwanted events. Use these events to grow from the experience and improve who you are as a person.

So how does a couple fireproof their marriage? First, and foremost, the primary focus must be on God and prayer. Both on an individual basis as well as together as a couple. Pray for each other, and the relationship. Continually pray for a hedge of protection around your marriage. Satan is a professional when it comes to destroying marriages. He plants thoughts in your mind, and sends the wrong people onto your path to get you to think about other things that distract you from your marital commitment, doubt yourself and your spouse.

Satan knows how to make you “think” you deserve better. He can make you “think” and then “believe” that you have the “right” to “hang out with the boys” or “go out with the girls” every night of the week leaving your spouse home alone or alone to deal with the kids. He makes you “think” that it is okay to spend long hours at work after all you are “supporting your family.” There are no limits to the ways he can deceive you into thinking you are justified in neglecting your spouse, regardless of the form of the neglect. He can make your feel so discourage and such a failure that you are almost paralyzed when it comes to being a contributing partner to your marriage. He knows which buttons to push for each person that will affect your marriage. Your button may be very different than my button, but satan knows how to play and where and when to hit.
Satan can make you “think” that your spouse “doesn’t understand you”, and therefore you begin to shut down, stop sharing with your spouse, breaking the emotional intimate connection between the two of you.
He makes you “think” that person at work “understands you so much better than my spouse.” Satan can even convince you that “God sent that other person and it is okay to walk away from your marriage”

God will NEVER give you a reason to walk away from a marriage. That is not to say there may be a season where you separate for your own safety and protection of your family, or to recover from a substance abuse problem, but your focus should be on resolving the issues at hand, your marriage is at stack, do what ever it takes to save it.

That is also not to say there are not Biblical reasons for divorce, infidelity (Matthew 5:32) and abandonment (1 Corinthians 7:15). However, just because there is a Biblical reason for divorce, does not mean God likes it. God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) and would prefer you to work through your issues and restore relationship.

Remember the vows you spoke to each other and to God? Through sickness and health, good times and bad, rich or poor? Marriage is a commitment to each other and God, not a whim. If you focus on that, with God, you are fireproofing your marriage, it will be hard work, but worth it.

Satan is very clever, he has had years of practice breaking up relationships, he likes it because it causes so much hurt and pain, to each spouse, the kids, in-laws, the list is endless. When a marriage fails it touches everyone. Many times it even effects how you function at work; there is no limit to the destruction satan can produce in your life from a failed marriage, if you let him.

Did you catch those last four words…”if you let him.” This convincing
does not take place overnight, it takes, months, sometimes years, many
years before his tactics work. There are some marriages that fall to his
tactics after 37 or more years of marriage.

Do you see the pattern? Marriages are ending because that is what satan
wants, and we, you and I have let it happen by taking our eyes off of
Christ which opens the door for satan to step in.

We all have free will and have the ability to choose good over evil, God over satan. We all can choose not to accept satan’s temptations. He is very clever and can actually temp you in ways you don’t realize is satan. He can do this over time, building little by little until he finally achieves his goal of drawing you farther and farther away from God and eternal life.

Did you know that you can say aloud and command Satan to leave in the name of Jesus Christ that Satan leaves? That doesn’t mean he won’t try to come back, but God is mightier than satan, and the evil one knows he can’t defend himself against the name of Christ.

If you are reading this and rolling your eyes and saying “another bible thumper” and think what I am saying is not true, than that is exactly the type of thought satan wants you to think.

Fifty-one percent of Christians surveyed believe that there is no satan. Think about it, if you believe there is no satan, how easy is it to be deceived? You can’t protect yourself from something you “don’t think exists” right?

So back to the topic at hand, marriages end from the free will and actions of each spouse. If the relationship is not built on strong foundation of Christ, trust, commitment and with daily devotion, prayer and praise to our Lord, how is it possible to properly repel the advances of the evil one?

Have your heard the saying “you are what you eat”, same holds true with your mind. Garbage in, garbage out.

Think about this:

If you wake in the morning, suck down some caffeine (which is a drug), watched the news on TV then on your drive to work listen to the Gomer and Goober morning show on the radio, when you get to work start talking smack with the girls or guys in the office about what a louse your spouse is, where do you think your mind will be focused all day? Godly things or things with a negative slant?

Now what if you got up in the morning, had a piece of fruit and some juice and read a small morning bible passage or devotional, said a small prayer before leaving the house, listened to praise music or an audio CD of a Christian inspirational book on the way to work, then talked to the girls or guys about what a nice time you and your spouse had last night playing games or working in the yard together or just spending time with each other, how do you think your focus and mind will directed? Open to positive Godly things or negative things?

Slow deception:

How often have you looked at your spouse and thought to yourself “he is too fat” or “she doesn’t dress the way I want her to dress, this lady at work dresses nice all the time” or “I hate it when he reads the paper when I am trying to talk to him.” These thoughts are surface thoughts, that may seem harmless but will begin to break down how you view who your spouse really is, and opens your mind to compare your spouse to others around you. Overtime these negative thoughts start you to think a little deeper, maybe start thinking you could do better, that you don’t love your spouse anymore and eventually leave, ending the marriage, maybe for that other person who you “think” is so perfect.

By the way, nobody is perfect, but the evil one may have thinking that way. There are those who are “perfect for us” but they are not perfect. There is a difference. Also, as mentioned above, God will never send you another to replace your spouse, but satan will send you a counterfeit, a fake to deceive you further. Satan may even have you deceived in thinking you are so perfect or such a failure, that no one is good enough for you or you are not good enough for anyone and you are better off being alone.

It is so easy to focus on surface issues. It allows you to point the finger at someone else rather than looking at yourself. Surface issues are hard to resolve, because once one surface item is resolved, another surface item will come up. Satan will continually tell you that you are not satisfied, not content with the person you married or the person you left your spouse for, or with what you yourself are doing to find happiness. Sadly, you will never be satisfied if this is your thought process. Not with someone else, somewhere else nor with yourself.

Once you have broken your marriage, it will be that much easier to break the next marriage, and so on. Why? Because what you are searching for will never be found in an individual or within yourself. It will only be found and satisfied with a real relationship with God. From there your earthly relationships will thrive and survive.

If you and your spouse have a strong relationship with Christ, does that mean that the two of you will never have struggles or argue? Not at all. There may be times when satan may temp you even more so, as this is a challenge for him, he hates happy marriages. The difference is you have a strong foundation through Jesus Christ.

Practice this for a month:

Instead of thinking about all those little surface issues that you think are “so bad” about your spouse, think about those deep qualities of your spouse, the qualities that really matter in a spouse. Such as their commitment to God, their devotion to you. Think about the character of your spouse and their good work ethic. What about their parenting skills, which is a talent in and of itself to be thankful for. Are they a stay at home Mom or Dad? That is hard work. Think about how they took care of you when you were sick. Or how they help out your parents, their in-laws. What ever it is, all spouses have good deep qualities, those that really matter in a relationship. Those characteristics and qualities that make them who they are, the qualities that satan makes you forget. Those are the same qualities that attracted you to them in the first place. The qualities that you fell in love with and committed yourself to through marriage.

As I mentioned above, I am not a relationship expert, I have experienced hurt and pain and share these thoughts in hopes that it may provide some support and encouragement to not take the easy way out of a marriage by divorce. To avoid the devastation a broken marriage brings to the whole family unit. To fireproof your marriage with the a foundation of Christ Jesus, prayer, and satan repellent.

If your marriage has already ended, or you are separated, please visit RejoiceMinistries.com and sign up for Charlyne Cares daily emails, they are full of encouragement as well as biblical direction to help you build a relationship with the Prince of Peace, Christ. Rejoice Ministries was created by a couple who went through bad times and eventually divorced only to remarry two years later. They are living proof that, God does heal hurting marriages and that Nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37).

I am pleased to announce this article has been featured on the following sites:
The Sixteenth Edition of the Carnival of Improving Life

Carnival of Family Life 

What do you do when your husband or wife decides to leave the marriage? You believe in your marital vows, “til death do us part.” You were committed to working on the marriage as a team, only to realize that belief and commitment was yours, not your spouses.

You believed in the person you married, of course you did or you would not have married them. There was no physical abuse and you don’t believe infidelity played a role, but your spouse says “I just don’t love you anymore and I am leaving.” Oh, how that hurts like no other hurt.

This is just one scenario of a marriage break up, how ever it happens the hurt is still the same.

Marriage is about two whole people agree and commit to work together as a team. Two who are in love and who believe that love is true devotion rather than a passing “feeling.” When one person in the team stops working, gives up and/or runs away, it is impossible for the other to keep the marriage together without God.

When your husband or wife leaves, it is most likely the most hurtful event of your life short of loosing a child to death.

As painful as it is to have your spouse leave you, you will survive with God’s help. You may not think so but you will.

I encourage anyone in this situation to focus on you and God rather than the one who left. Many times, out of love we want to focus on the person who left rather than you. You can’t fix them or change their mind, all you can do is pray for them. You can and must focus on you and God. Decide how you will handle this in your mind and begin healing yourself.

Focus on helping you - right now. You are the most important thing. Understand you are going to grieve, and know the grieving process. This will help you flow through your emotions, emotions that you must experience in order to heal properly from this terrible hurt. If you don’t feel these emotions, and cycle through the grieving process, you will not be able to build a healthy relationship in the future nor will you be prepared if your former spouse wishes to reconcile. Your emotions must come out in one way or another, feel the hurt now, and heal from it.

The stages of grief are below. You won’t go through them in order, and you may experience multiple stages at once. You may even go back to a stage you thought you had already passed through. This is all normal. The important thing is to not to get stuck in any one stage for an extended period of time. You should be progressing toward healing, and no one can tell you how long it will take. It may be one year or some professionals say up to five years. Regardless of the length of time, in order for you to heal properly you need to process the grief fully.

The stages in the grieving process are:

• Shock/Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Focus on your healing as well as your security. Work out, eat better, and surround yourself with support. If you have children focus on them to ensure their well being and help with their security.

As difficult as it may seem, this is a time when you need to make yourself a better individual, we all have room to improve who we are. Separation and/or divorce are a major life change and setback, but this can help you become a better individual. Take this time to rebuild your relationship with God, look to Him for strength. It is a time to look inside at who you are, and who you want to be so you can come out on the other side stronger, for yourself and for those around you.

Believe God is by your side during this terrible journey, He will see you through. He will be with you when you feel alone, reach out to Him, His hand is there, and His arms will hold and comfort you. He will never let go or let you down, all you have to do is reach out to Him. God has a plan in your life, trust in Him, give it a try and truly believe, He will help you heal.

Look to your friends and family, they love you and will be there for you. They may not understand what you are going through, especially if they have never experienced a separation or divorce before, you may have to ask specific ways in which you need their help as they may not know how to help.

Meet with a Christian counselor so you don’t loose your focus and to provide you with a third party perspective.  Be careful a true Christian counselor will not encourage “bashing” of your spouse but should help you focus on your emotional healing, self improvement, as well as some biblical instruction regarding forgiveness, restoration etc.

The end of a marriage is not the end of your life, yes, it will feel like it is, and it is the end of some hopes and dreams, but it is also the time to create new dreams, hopes and goals. To relearn who you are as an individual, to become a better parent, learn a new career, build new friendships.

Will you have set backs? You bet. Will you have some good days and then bounce back feeling sad and alone….of course you will. But as you heal, these set backs will come further and further apart, and be shorter in duration.

We can all get through our challenges in life successfully as long as you communicate your feelings and process your emotions in a healthy way. Create a plan, set goals for your day, week, and month.

Channel negative emotions like anger into positive productive tasks rather than something destructive. Positive tasks would be something like cleaning the house like you have never cleaned before, doing landscape work around the house, and detailing your car.

Keep your head clear, don’t try to drawn your hurt, anger and fear in drinking or drugs, all this will do is numb important feelings you need to feel and draw out your grieving process because as soon as you sober up, you will feel those feelings on top of not feeling good from a hangover. Try your best not to be self destructive.

Keep your kids involved as well, they too are going through some emotional challenges as well. Explain to them in a way they will understand at their age, that the break up of Mom and Dad is not their fault and that you both still love them just the same.

Focus on the future not the past, I know it is and will be hard, but you will be okay from this. God will see to that. You will be a better person in the long run.

UPDATE: Since I first wrote this in February ‘08, I have found a wonderful faith based site on building your relationship with Christ as well as standing for the healing of your marriage, regardless of your legal marital status.

If you believe that through the covenant of Christ you are still married and you are willing to follow God’s will in your life, hand all things over to Him. Maybe you feel the need for further encouragement, please visit RejoiceMinistries be sure to look at the bottom of each web page on this site for the important and informative links.

Rejoice Ministries has produced a wonderful PDF document on “When Your Spouse Walks Out” I encourage you to download it and read it; it is very helpful as an additional resource.

Pray, not just for God’s will in your life, but in the life of the loved one who has left you. Pray for your ability to forgive the one who has hurt you, once you forgive them, your healing process will proceed much faster. You will more clearly hear God speaking to you in His still small voice and you will begin to learn what His plan is in your life.

This is what the lady in front on me inline at Kmart said yesterday as she was unloading a cart full of toys. She went on to say she had two kids and their birthday’s were coming up. Her posture confirmed her words, she seemed defeated….broke. She seemed guilty knowing she couldn’t afford all that she was buying by the way she was “justifying” her actions by telling complete strangers “but my kids are happy.”

The toys were for kids in the age range of three to five, and I have to admit I felt sad for her as she paid with a credit card. It was as if she was using her last bit of credit limit to portray to her kids “all is ok” and here is more stuff to prove it.

So much ran through my mind, as I watched her, I wanted to reach out and offer advice on how to not be broke, how to stop the cycle of paying with money she didn’t have. I wanted so bad to show her the was a way out from under all that stress, but of course the situation and timing was just not right…she was through the line and on her way.

How many times have you had that same thought process of “I’m broke” but feel like you have to keep paying out money you don’t have to “keep someone happy”?

I once knew a man who was broke, he was divorced and had a son. He gave his son anything and everything. Video games, two new cars, all kinds of “stuff” which kept the father broke and the son lacking in what he really needed….quality time with his Dad.

So often I talk to people who are in debt, who justify staying in debt because they “have” to buy more “stuff” for someone. Not realizing, that many times the one thing our loved ones want and need, it quality time with us. Quality time that is free to give, but many times the hardest to give.

Why is quality time so hard to freely give to our loved ones? Why is it so much easier to go to the store, buy some stuff and hand it over smile and be on our way while our loved one plays with their new stuff?

Personally, I think it is because we have been to pre-occuipied with ourselves. We, as a society, seemed to have become desentized to emotional intimacy with family and loved ones. We have become focused on anything that we can that takes us away from talking to one another, to learning about each other. We have become afraid of listening if that listening involves anything but “happy thoughts.” So what do we do? We focus on stuff. Many times that stuff keeps us further and further away from building deeping bonds with people. Video games, TV’s, internet, movie tickets, toys and the like.

All this stuff, keeps us in debt as well as keeps us from knowing those around us. We feel guilt for buying (because we can’t afford it) and we feel guilt from not buying, because we don’t really want to give what is needed, yourself.

Getting out of debt has more benefits than just not owing someone else money, it provides you the ability to give of yourself buy not buying stuff. It opens up the possibility of becoming more creating of how to give of yourself, rather than spending money.

Giving of yourself is far more difficult than spending money, it is also far more rewarding, but in the short term and the long term.

Think about it…and take the risk - give a part of you to someone rather than buy something at a store.

It is really all we have in life that shows who we really are to others.

Dictionary.com defines character in part as: moral or ethical quality. Qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity, reputation.

What does it mean to be of good character? Have you really thought how others view you and your character? Have you thought about the true character of those around you?

I believe that true character is what you do, when no one is looking. If you stand and “preach” about how bad it is to steal, deceive, look at porn, cheat on a spouse, etc, but when you think no one is looking, you choose not to tell a sales clerk they gave you too much change, or you don’t tell your spouse you spending two hours after work each day with a person of the opposite sex, or you wait until the family goes to bed before you go to internet sites that you don’t want them to know you visit, that is when you are showing your true character. Maybe not to those who know you, but to yourself, and to God.

You see even when we think no one is looking, someone is always watching our actions. God is always hearing our thoughts and knows our intentions. Many times, those around you may know what you are doing as well, they may just be to shocked or afraid to let you know they know.

Are we perfect? No. None of us is perfect, we all have character flaws. But what separates an individual of true character from one who “pretends” to have true character is in our ability to admit our flaws and attempt to correct them. To acknowledge we are not perfect.

I once heard a statement, we are only as sick as our secrets. That is so very true. The more you try to “hide” who you really are, the sicker you will become. But when we acknowledge our character flaws openly is when we can begin to overcome them, to heal, to build character. To improve who we are as individuals. It is a never ending process, but one that is essential for inner peace and future success, personally and professionally.

I have known people who on the outside appeared to be an individuals of character. They would say all the right things. Inside, they had many secrets. Only those very close to them, and there were few as they did not let people get too close, saw issues with deception and secretive behavior. Through the years this caused them to have failed marriages, trouble with family members, and more. Their character effected all aspects of their lives and the bad character caught up with them in the end in one form or another.

I write about this today because I think there are many who hide behind an appearance of good character. In order for any of us to be successful personally, financially and professionally we must first focus on our own true personal character and relationship with Christ. Look deep inside of who you really. What your true focus is on, not just who you portray yourself to be.

Are you trustworthy, loyal, a committed spouse and/or friend? Do you have a relationship with God? Can you deep inside know you did not do or think about anything you would be ashamed of if you did it or thought it in front of God? Are you keeping secrets from your spouse or significant other? If you are you must know, deep down inside it is wrong. After all, if what you were doing was right, you wouldn’t be ashamed to admit it to those who love you, would you?

Even I work on building my character everyday, right now, I am listening to the audio book “Become a Better You” by Joel Osteen. I highly recommend it as a great starting place to improve who you are, regardless of where you are starting from.

Today, think about who you are. What is your true character? Who are you when no one is looking? Where can you improve your life, and how would that improve the life around you with your family, friends and career? You and only you make the choice of who you are, and what your character is. What will you choose?

So what is it? Well, before I get into the details, I first want to encourage you to make sure you have at least $1000 in the back before you start paying down your debt. This should be used as your emergency fund. Always keep that $1000 in the back so if you have an emergency, you won’t create more debt in taking care of the emergency.

Basically, it is paying the lowest balance first.

If you are seriously trying to get out of debt, you’ve already heard of Dave Ramsey, and especially if you are reading this blog.

Dave is a straight forward, no-holds-barred, tell you like it is kinda person when it comes to helping people get out of debt. He was once in debt so he speaks from experience. He has decades of experience mentoring people to get out of debt and live debt free. His background is not just from experience but is also Bible based by stating “The borrower is slave to the lender” Proverbs 22:7.

He hosts a daily radio show as well as a broadcast each weeknight on Fox Business News and encourages listeners who have become debt free to call in and scream “I’m/we’re Debt Free!!” as an inspiration to others who are working toward debt freedom.

Some people love him others hate him, either way he is absolutely determined to get you out of debt, and so am I.

I too have been in debt, and although I did not used the debt snowball to get out of debt (didn’t know about it back then) I am now debt free. I also believe the debt snowball is the best way to getting out of debt.

So as I mentioned earlier, it is the process of placing your smallest debt first and working your way down to the highest debt.

How do you do this?

Take all your bills, not your living expense bills like water, electric, utilities, house, food, etc. and list them, from lowest balance balance to highest balance

Pay the minimums on all the bills except the first, and pay as MUCH as you can on that one until it’s gone. Usually, this smallest debt is $200 to $600 dollars, and once it is paid off, you have an quick sense of success. That is the whole point of this process. Small victories.

Continue to the second bill, adding the amount you paid on the first before it was paid off and pay that one, hence picking up more dollars each time you pay off a bill and placing those dollars on the next bill (snowball effect)

Do this until the last bill is gone. Now keep in mind it is not just about the debt snowball process, you must also be working a budget and cutting back on spending all at the same time, see Money Management aka Cash Flow and How to Get Out Of Debt.

There are some pros and cons of the debt snowball, I find the pros out way the cons but here they are:Pros:

Cons:

With that said, as Dave says, this isn’t about the math, it is about the forming of a habit of paying off debt. It reinforces the habit by giving early positive results.

As with anything you must stay focused, and commit to follow it through to the end. The small victories and success of paying off that first small bill helps early reinforcement that it is working.

Being debt free is a life time commitment, not just a short term solution. Stay focus and you will be successful.

Much of that spending was done on credit cards, cards with the “promise” of zero interest for so many months, or a low interest rate as long as you make your payments on time. But is it really that cut and dry? No is is not.

Credit card companies play games with you, well, they actually just play dirty. They have tiny small print in this great interest rate promotions that end up costing you thousands of dollars (late fees, over-limit fees, transfer fees, and so on), after all, we all know it is the interest rate that costs you the most….right? Well, the tricks are worse that you may know.

There is a completely legal game credit cards companies are playing, and it could wipe you out financially if you’re not careful.

It’s called “The Default Clause”

If you have a credit card, you know that if you are late with a payment on that specific card, the credit card company will charge you a late fee in addition to raising your interest rate. Now here is the catch, did you know that they can raise your interest rate if you’ve made a late payment on any of your other cards, regardless of what company issued the card?

It gets worse, your interest rates can jump to 25 percent or possibly more if you make a late payment on your car loan, mortgage, or even your phone bill!

“This can’t be legal” you say, Sadly it is. It is in the tiny find print of your credit card agreement, called universal default clause, that you agreed to as soon as you used the credit card. There is not a lot of credit card issuers with this policy but it pays to be aware

Late Payment “Gotchya”

A universal default clause generally states that a creditor reserves the right to penalize you with an increased interest rate if you’re late (in default) of your re-payment terms — of a payment to any other creditor not just that of the issuing company. They justify this because, in theory, if are late with one creditor, you are a greater credit risk and are more likely to pay other debts, including the issuing card late.

Creditors also have the right to routinely monitor your credit file. So a creditor with a universal default clause will be watching, waiting, time is on their side. Remember, credit card companies are not your friend, there are in business to make money….Your money!

So assume your Visa card has a universal default clause. Any late payment — your make, whether it’s your utility bill, home equity loan, or gas credit card — acts as a “default gotchya” allowing the bank that issued the Visa card to double or even triple your interest rate overnight without warning.

The top three default triggers that cause your interest rates to spike are a decline in credit score, paying your mortgage late, and paying your car loan late.

There are other “gotchya’s” to Worry About

Under the universal default clause, your interest rates can be increased for many other reasons, including exceeding your credit limit, bouncing a check, having too much debt, having too much credit, getting a new credit card, applying for a car loan, and applying for a mortgage loan. Once you signed up for a credit card with a universal default clause, you gave the credit card company an unfair advantage over you, and your money.

This effects your financial future in a bad way. Let’s look at this example. You’re an average American household, with $8,000 of credit card debt. Assuming you make no additional purchases on your card, you have a 9 percent interest rate, and you make the minimum monthly payment, it will take you 218 months (18 years) to pay off your debt and you’ll end up paying $3,334 in interest. Who wins here? (credit card company…you loose)

Now let’s assume that for whatever reason you were late one month with your car payment. They gotchya, the late payment triggers the universal default clause with your credit card issuer, and now your penalty rate gets increased to 26 percent. It will now take you 679 months (56 years) to pay off your credit card debt, and get this — you’ll pay $30,813 in interest. Can you see this is a no win situation for you and a win win for the credit card company?

Imagine if you had three other cards with a universal default clause..interest rates go up on all of them due to one late payment on your car.

Beat the Clause

Well if you have been reading my blog for any period of time you know what I am going to say about beating the universal default clause….”Don’t use credit cards!”

However, I know most of you out there already have credit cards, and many have the clause so here is some ideas to protect yourself from the “gotchya” of interest rate increases.

1. Stay away from credit cards with a universal default clause.

If you’re looking to open a new credit card account, be sure to choose one without a universal default clause. This means you have to truly read the fine print. If you’re confused by the fine print, as most of us are, they write it that way to confuse you on purpose, call the credit card company and ask what specific circumstances will affect your interest rate.

Sites like Bankrate.com let you compare credit card offers, so visit them before you apply. But keep in mind, this is a fluid market and changes are made fast. Even if you have a card without a universal default clause, that doesn’t mean that they can’t or won’t change the agreement terms. Read those little bill inserts, or specific letters from your issuing companies, they are sending them out for a reason…something changes and it won’t be to your benefit.

2. Know your current obligations.

Check your current statements and credit card agreements to find out your current interest rates, and to identify which cards have a universal default clause that you weren’t aware of until now. Again, if you’re uncertain after reading the fine print, call your credit card company.

Consider transferring your balance from a card that has the universal default clause to one of your cards that doesn’t. But don’t cancel the card to quickly, it could have a negative effect on your credit score.

3. Run your credit report.

Not only do you need to know exactly what your current interest rates are, you also need to know exactly what’s on your credit report. Visit AnnualCreditReport.com to order your credit report and credit score today. You should make a practice of this every quarter with a different reporting bureau, this way you can make sure what is being reported is accurate.

4. Common sense, Pay your bills on time.

If you can’t pay ontime, chances are you are over extended and are not properly managing your money. Read Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover.

5. Be proactive — call your lender for relief.

Call your lender to see what options they might be able to offer you. They might be able to adjust your monthly payments so that they’re more manageable.

Check today and see if you have the universal default clause on your credit cards.If you do, be careful to stay on top of your credit card agreements. Better yet, make a plan to become debt free and pay cash. — you’ll sleep better at night.

Many times these life changes involve relationships. Sometimes we are naive and trusting to a fault, and/or we have no real education in how to identify safe people verses unsafe people that come and go in our lives. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if we knew ahead of time if a person was safe or not before we invested our time, love and energy and sometimes money into them?

In order to have continued success; spiritually, personally, professionally and financially, we have to be able to identify what type of people we are allowing into our lives. Are the people close to us, those in our spiritual, personally and professional lives safe or unsafe? Do the people around you help you improve who you are as a person? Do they help improve you professionally? Do they help improve you spiritually?

Do you help improve those around you? You see, not only do you need to identify safe people to be around, but you too must identify if you are a safe person for others to be around. It is important to correct areas in your life where you are unsafe.

We are all unsafe in some form. Nobody is perfect. However, the first thing that starts to identify you as a safe person is that you can recognize you are not perfect, that you are open for self improvement and personal development. As we improve who we are, we also help improve the safe people around us. Those who are unsafe many times are unable to admit their flaws or if they can admit a flaw, they seldom, if ever, focus on personal development, behavior change or self improvement, they instead focus more on the flaws of others.

As you have probably figured out by now, I am a big fan of personal development/self improvement books, especially those with a Christian perspective. Recently I came upon a book by the same authors of the exceptional book “Boundaries.” This book, “Safe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t” is also a must read.

I have always believed that there is good in most people, especially Christians. I also believed and know that life if full of hurts, people will hurt us , it is part of relationships. One thing that many of us sometimes get caught up in is that even someone who knows the word of God and professes to be a Christian can hurt and be untrustworthy. Sadly, even people who professes to be “Christian” can be unsafe.

Many of us do not recognize or acknowledging the signs of an unsafe person. Many of us just don’t know how to recognize an unsafe person. Instead we may focus on who a person may portray themselves to be rather than who and what their actions show they are.

Safe people help you to grow. They are constantly pushing you to extend yourself in new ways, and you are pushing them as well, a one-sided relationship is also unsafe.

The following are 7 key characteristics present in safe people, keep in mind that only time truly will tell if a person has these traits or not, many unsafe people will mask themselves for a period of time, but time will always show true character, and character is who a person is when no one is looking.

1. Safe people are non-judgmental.

When you get serious about dealing with a problem of any kind, you need people who are not spending their time judging you for your mistakes. Safe people don’t judge you.

2. Safe people listen.

When you reach out for help you need people who will really listen to your struggles. Safe people let you share your story and all the difficulty you have faced in carrying a burden. There is empathy with safe people. While they may not have experienced your specific trouble, they listen with their heart and want to truly help.

3. Safe people maintain strong boundaries.

One of the dangers of seeking out safe people is that you might be so amazed at their compassion and care that you begin to move too close too quickly, they encourage you to make a quick decision to commit to them, to make an investment, or something else that may truly need some distance, time and/or research before making a final decision. Safe people, however, also know how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries that represent appropriate interaction and assistance. They won’t push you to make a decision you are not ready to make.

4. Safe people are reliable and respect the commitments they make.

Trust, is critical in any relationship of any kind. Trust is easily broken when an unsafe person does not follow through on the commitments they make. Safe people can be counted on, keep their promises, maintain your confidence in them and don’t give you reason to doubt their words.

5. Safe people are honest and tell the truth in love.

Some people who may appear to be safe are really just looking for a way to present themselves as superior potentially to get what “they” want. Safe people know how to tell you the truth in love. They are not pointing out your weaknesses to pump themselves up, but rather to help you move toward improvement and personal development and a life that truly brings satisfaction.

6. Safe people pray for wisdom and are humble.

Anyone willing to help another person must understand that they need wisdom. And gaining wisdom requires humility. You can often spot the safe people by how often they ask God for wisdom, knowing that apart from His leading they could lead you astray. These are the kind of people you want around when traveling the road to recovery from any form of hurt or other problem you are attempting to solve in your life.

7. Safe people help you get help.

Finally, safe people know their limitations and have a heart of willingness to get you the help you need. They will walk with you as you expand your network of support to include a counselor, a good investment advisor or other individuals to help you reach your goal toward life success.

To put it all in one small package, safe people are not critical, but can lovingly point out areas where you can improve as well as suggest how to make those improvements when needed. They are reliable, trustworthy, honest, and consistent. If they have done something to hurt you, you should be able to share with them that hurt and have them understand and assure you the behavior will not occur again and it not occur, rather then them act out defensively, or “promise” it won’t happen again only to have it happen after a few weeks or months. Safe people can only be found over time, with proven, consistent behavior. Safe people are people with a good character, they are not perfect, they are open and honest about who they are.

After reading this book I have learned that unfortunately there seems to be more unsafe people around us then safe people. Many unsafe people are very good at portraying themselves to be safe. People who seem to be safe, sometimes have such emotional issues that they are unable to share their lives with others in an honest trustworthy relationship, these people many times go through life mimicking what they think a safe relationship should be rather than emotionally connecting. For these people time is their enemy as they can not keep up the “appearance” of a safe person for long and many times they hurt those who invest in them, those who are not educated in spotting an unsafe person.

“Safe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t” should be required reading for everyone and I highly recommend it. It will help in all areas of your life, spiritual, personal, professional. And even though this book is in no way related to finances or money, it will help you in those areas as well because there are many “unsafe” people who are out to take money from those who can’t spot the unsafe person who may be out to scam you.

This book will also help you improve your own “safe” factor in how you relate to those around you, the more safe you are as an individual, the more you will be drawn to other safe people and the easier you will recognize unsafe people, maybe even those in your life right now.

As you walk through life, keep your eyes open for safe people. They will become your greatest asset next to God.

The word bankruptcy is a scary word to me. If you are thinking about filing for bankruptcy or maybe in the middle of it right now, you know it is a scary event. But did you know that it could effect your job? Yes it can, many employers frown on bankruptcy of their employees, thinking “if they can’t manage their own finances how will they handle those of the company?” Also, many employers consider financially distressed employees as a greater risk for embezzlement or theft. When searching for a new job if a credit report is run and a bankruptcy shows up, that could eliminate your changes for employment in some companies.

Bankruptcy can destroy your marriage, how can a spouse have full and complete trust in the relationship if money is so badly handled that it comes to bankruptcy? What effect will it have on the kids when you try to enroll them in certain events, if you think no one will know, think again, it is public record.

Bottom line bankruptcy steals your peace of mind, your comfort level in looking at yourself as well as society as a whole.

A client of mine came in ready to file bankruptcy. Her debts were overwhelming to say the lease, her husband had left her for another girl. The house and the debt except for $14,000 was in his name. She was 46 years old, her dads friend, a lawyer told her to file bankruptcy. This poor lady was broke down and worn out and felt she had no where else to turn except to go bankrupt. The truth is, she was not bankrupt. You see, her soon-to-be ex-husband will end up with all the debt in his name, he may be bankrupt, but this lady was not.

Why Avoid Bankruptcy? Bankruptcy is not something I recommend any more than I would recommend divorce. Are there times when good people see no way out and file bankruptcy? Yes, but my job is to help you avoid that if given the opportunity. Few people who have been through bankruptcy would report that it is a painless cleaning of the slate, that you go off and start fresh when it is over. Many people go that route because they just plain don’t want to work hard enough to work it out…just like many people enter divorce, they just don’t want to “work hard” to fix things.

Do not be fooled. Although I personally have not gone through a bankruptcy, I do have many friends who have and it is not a fun ride. Bankruptcy is listed in the top 5 of negative life-altering events that we can go through, along with divorce, severe illness, disability, and loss of a loved one. Although I don’t believe that bankruptcy is as bad as losing a loved one, it is certainly life-altering and leaves deep wounds both to the psyche and the credit report.

There are two types of bankruptcy. Chapter 7 which is total bankruptcy, stays on your credit report for10 years, and Chapter 13, which is more like a payment plan and stays on your credit report for 7 years. Bankruptcy, however, is for life. Loan applications and many job applications ask if you have ever filed for bankruptcy. EVER, not in the last 7 or 10 years but EVER. Could you lie to get a loan because your bankruptcy was so long ago? Yes, but technically if you do, you have committed criminal fraud, and I don’t know about you, but I have a higher power to be accountable to.

The good news is most bankruptcy cases can be avoided with proper help, such as a certified financial counseling, or even reading the book by Dave Ramsey “The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness“. Now to be honest, your money makeover will take some hard work and time, it may involve extensive amputation of stuff, it will be painful, but bankruptcy is much more painful.

Also one last consideration, the reason most people are even contemplating bankruptcy is usually do to poor money management habits, many people who file for bankruptcy to “start over” end up in debt again within two to five short years, why? Because the debt wasn’t the real problem, managing money was.

If you take the a good step backward to get on solid ground instead of looking for a quick fix that bankruptcy “seems” to offer, you will win more quickly and in the long run be far better off financially.