“But my kids are happy.”
This is what the lady in front on me inline at Kmart said yesterday as she was unloading a cart full of toys. She went on to say she had two kids and their birthday’s were coming up. Her posture confirmed her words, she seemed defeated….broke. She seemed guilty knowing she couldn’t afford all that she was buying by the way she was “justifying” her actions by telling complete strangers “but my kids are happy.”
The toys were for kids in the age range of three to five, and I have to admit I felt sad for her as she paid with a credit card. It was as if she was using her last bit of credit limit to portray to her kids “all is ok” and here is more stuff to prove it.
So much ran through my mind, as I watched her, I wanted to reach out and offer advice on how to not be broke, how to stop the cycle of paying with money she didn’t have. I wanted so bad to show her the was a way out from under all that stress, but of course the situation and timing was just not right…she was through the line and on her way.
How many times have you had that same thought process of “I’m broke” but feel like you have to keep paying out money you don’t have to “keep someone happy”?
I once knew a man who was broke, he was divorced and had a son. He gave his son anything and everything. Video games, two new cars, all kinds of “stuff” which kept the father broke and the son lacking in what he really needed….quality time with his Dad.
So often I talk to people who are in debt, who justify staying in debt because they “have” to buy more “stuff” for someone. Not realizing, that many times the one thing our loved ones want and need, it quality time with us. Quality time that is free to give, but many times the hardest to give.
Why is quality time so hard to freely give to our loved ones? Why is it so much easier to go to the store, buy some stuff and hand it over smile and be on our way while our loved one plays with their new stuff?
Personally, I think it is because we have been to pre-occuipied with ourselves. We, as a society, seemed to have become desentized to emotional intimacy with family and loved ones. We have become focused on anything that we can that takes us away from talking to one another, to learning about each other. We have become afraid of listening if that listening involves anything but “happy thoughts.” So what do we do? We focus on stuff. Many times that stuff keeps us further and further away from building deeping bonds with people. Video games, TV’s, internet, movie tickets, toys and the like.
All this stuff, keeps us in debt as well as keeps us from knowing those around us. We feel guilt for buying (because we can’t afford it) and we feel guilt from not buying, because we don’t really want to give what is needed, yourself.
Getting out of debt has more benefits than just not owing someone else money, it provides you the ability to give of yourself buy not buying stuff. It opens up the possibility of becoming more creating of how to give of yourself, rather than spending money.
Giving of yourself is far more difficult than spending money, it is also far more rewarding, but in the short term and the long term.
Think about it…and take the risk - give a part of you to someone rather than buy something at a store.
Tags: debt, giving yourself, guilt, love, respect, saving on gifts, time with family
March 5th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I love your post - Years ago when my children were little (now their in their twenties) Hubby and I made a conscious choice that we would “make do” with one income & I would be a SAHM. It was the best decision we ever made. Our sons had plenty of toys (even though the favorites were always the classics - books, building blocks, crayons & paper) but most importantly they had lots of time as a family, building relationships and bonds. I wouldn’t trade that time when they were little for all the fancy stuff money can buy - none!
Another thing your post made me think about - You know what one of the most powerful things we can “give of ourselves” is ? Donate our blood - it is literally giving of ourselves and can help so much.
O.K. I’m done rambling - it’s just that I think you did nail it with your hypothesis
“…Personally, I think it is because we have been to pre-occuipied with ourselves. We, as a society, seemed to have become desentized to emotional intimacy with family and loved ones. We have become focused on anything that we can that takes us away from talking to one another, to learning about each other. We have become afraid of listening if that listening involves anything but “happy thoughts.” So what do we do? We focus on stuff…”
March 5th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Hi Dawn, thank you for your comments and for sharing how spending that quality time with family, especially by being a stay at home mom, was the most valuable “purchase” of all. Your sacrifice I am sure paid off 10 fold. I really appreciate your comment about “giving of ourselves” by donating blood, the gift of life, someone money can not buy. God Bless you and your family.
March 10th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Everyone is pre occupied.
I also get tired of hearing people are broke because of kids.
When I had my child I did the reverse, instead of the clothes and birthday gifts. I just filled up the college fund.
I do not want to justify being poor b/c of kids. Kids make me do the opposite build more income.
March 10th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Hi Moneymonk, thank you for your comment and for reading. Your kids are very lucky to have you as their parent.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:32 am
Sadly, much of our debt addiction is a result of the marketing that we have been bombarded with since we entered this world. When you add current societal norms and combine that with peer pressure it’s no wonder that so many of us struggle to prioritize our values. Fortunately there is a movement underway to unwind this social conditioning. While Credit Card companies and lenders work feverishly to further enslave consumers, a growing number of concerned people are awakening and deciding that debt isn’t the answer to happiness and self fulfillness. Unfortunately, change for the rest of us comes only as each of us decides as individuals that we’ve had enough of being normal, i.e. broke.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Hi Dennis, thank you so much for your comment and for reinforcing the concept that debt does not equal happiness or self fulfillment, sounds like you are part of the movement! Way to go!