Mar

My Spouse Left…Now What?

This is republished from February with additional and what I think is the most important information and resource you can use during this time of separation and/or divorce, the update is listed at the bottom.

What do you do when your husband or wife decides to leave the marriage? You believe in your marital vows, “til death do us part.” You were committed to working on the marriage as a team, only to realize that belief and commitment was yours, not your spouses.

You believed in the person you married, of course you did or you would not have married them. There was no physical abuse and you don’t believe infidelity played a role, but your spouse says “I just don’t love you anymore and I am leaving.” Oh, how that hurts like no other hurt.

This is just one scenario of a marriage break up, how ever it happens the hurt is still the same.

Marriage is about two whole people agree and commit to work together as a team. Two who are in love and who believe that love is true devotion rather than a passing “feeling.” When one person in the team stops working, gives up and/or runs away, it is impossible for the other to keep the marriage together without God.

When your husband or wife leaves, it is most likely the most hurtful event of your life short of loosing a child to death.

As painful as it is to have your spouse leave you, you will survive with God’s help. You may not think so but you will.

I encourage anyone in this situation to focus on you and God rather than the one who left. Many times, out of love we want to focus on the person who left rather than you. You can’t fix them or change their mind, all you can do is pray for them. You can and must focus on you and God. Decide how you will handle this in your mind and begin healing yourself.

Focus on helping you - right now. You are the most important thing. Understand you are going to grieve, and know the grieving process. This will help you flow through your emotions, emotions that you must experience in order to heal properly from this terrible hurt. If you don’t feel these emotions, and cycle through the grieving process, you will not be able to build a healthy relationship in the future nor will you be prepared if your former spouse wishes to reconcile. Your emotions must come out in one way or another, feel the hurt now, and heal from it.

The stages of grief are below. You won’t go through them in order, and you may experience multiple stages at once. You may even go back to a stage you thought you had already passed through. This is all normal. The important thing is to not to get stuck in any one stage for an extended period of time. You should be progressing toward healing, and no one can tell you how long it will take. It may be one year or some professionals say up to five years. Regardless of the length of time, in order for you to heal properly you need to process the grief fully.

The stages in the grieving process are:

Shock/Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Focus on your healing as well as your security. Work out, eat better, and surround yourself with support. If you have children focus on them to ensure their well being and help with their security.

As difficult as it may seem, this is a time when you need to make yourself a better individual, we all have room to improve who we are. Separation and/or divorce are a major life change and setback, but this can help you become a better individual. Take this time to rebuild your relationship with God, look to Him for strength. It is a time to look inside at who you are, and who you want to be so you can come out on the other side stronger, for yourself and for those around you.

Believe God is by your side during this terrible journey, He will see you through. He will be with you when you feel alone, reach out to Him, His hand is there, and His arms will hold and comfort you. He will never let go or let you down, all you have to do is reach out to Him. God has a plan in your life, trust in Him, give it a try and truly believe, He will help you heal.

Look to your friends and family, they love you and will be there for you. They may not understand what you are going through, especially if they have never experienced a separation or divorce before, you may have to ask specific ways in which you need their help as they may not know how to help.

Meet with a Christian counselor so you don’t loose your focus and to provide you with a third party perspective. Be careful a true Christian counselor will not encourage “bashing” of your spouse but should help you focus on your emotional healing, self improvement, as well as some biblical instruction regarding forgiveness, restoration etc.

The end of a marriage is not the end of your life, yes, it will feel like it is, and it is the end of some hopes and dreams, but it is also the time to create new dreams, hopes and goals. To relearn who you are as an individual, to become a better parent, learn a new career, build new friendships.

Will you have set backs? You bet. Will you have some good days and then bounce back feeling sad and alone….of course you will. But as you heal, these set backs will come further and further apart, and be shorter in duration.

We can all get through our challenges in life successfully as long as you communicate your feelings and process your emotions in a healthy way. Create a plan, set goals for your day, week, and month.

Channel negative emotions like anger into positive productive tasks rather than something destructive. Positive tasks would be something like cleaning the house like you have never cleaned before, doing landscape work around the house, and detailing your car.

Keep your head clear, don’t try to drawn your hurt, anger and fear in drinking or drugs, all this will do is numb important feelings you need to feel and draw out your grieving process because as soon as you sober up, you will feel those feelings on top of not feeling good from a hangover. Try your best not to be self destructive.

Keep your kids involved as well, they too are going through some emotional challenges as well. Explain to them in a way they will understand at their age, that the break up of Mom and Dad is not their fault and that you both still love them just the same.

Focus on the future not the past, I know it is and will be hard, but you will be okay from this. God will see to that. You will be a better person in the long run.

UPDATE: Since I first wrote this in February ‘08, I have found a wonderful faith based site on building your relationship with Christ as well as standing for the healing of your marriage, regardless of your legal marital status.

If you believe that through the covenant of Christ you are still married and you are willing to follow God’s will in your life, hand all things over to Him. Maybe you feel the need for further encouragement, please visit RejoiceMinistries be sure to look at the bottom of each web page on this site for the important and informative links.

Rejoice Ministries has produced a wonderful PDF document on “When Your Spouse Walks Out” I encourage you to download it and read it; it is very helpful as an additional resource.

Pray, not just for God’s will in your life, but in the life of the loved one who has left you. Pray for your ability to forgive the one who has hurt you, once you forgive them, your healing process will proceed much faster. You will more clearly hear God speaking to you in His still small voice and you will begin to learn what His plan is in your life.